so, i've lost him. possibly for good.
maybe i should elaborate, considering i haven't written in quite some time now. and i feel like i have some issues that i really need to get out in the open.. even though i'm aware no one that knows me will ever read this and only one subscriber actually reads these and comments.
i've been going through a lot the past couple of months. i left daniel. not because i wanted to, or because it made me happy. but because i thought it was what was best for me at the time. i should probably explain that too.
i met a guy back at the beginning of first semester. his name is brandon. i'll admit, when daniel left me back the first time he left to go away.. i felt really alone. and i somewhat ran to brandon. however, never agreeing to date him. i think it was because inside i knew that i really didn't want to be with him. obviously, because i really did care about daniel. however, as time went on brandon became.. somewhat obsessed with me. i know that sounds completely full of myself.. but i don't mean it that way. trust me, i wish it hadn't happened. it got to the point where brandon and i weren't even together but he'd threaten to "hit me in my mouth" or do other things that "gave me a reason to not want to be with him". he especially went balistic when any other guys texted me, even if i wasn't texting the guys back. (keep in mind, we are not together). one night, i was riding around with my friend kelsey and brandon. i went into a gas station to get something with kelsey and when i came out- i realized that brandon was in a pretty foul mood. but didn't really think anything of it considering he has mood swings worse than a woman going through menopause. however, after about 20 minutes he decides to explain that his mood is due to the fact that i had gotten a text message from a friend of mine, nicholas. this bothered me for multiple reasons. my phone had been off (it was almost dead). my phone had also been in my purse. not with him. as he's telling me this we're driving down the road. and brandon decides he may feel like pushing me out of the moving vehicle. he even goes as far as to open my door. completely. i have to tell you, i was so scared of what may happen at this point, i contemplated jumping out while he had the door open and pretending like i was fatally hurt so that maybe he would just leave me there. and leave me alone. but i didn't. instead when we got to the town where i aunt lived at a gas station, i told kelsey to drive me back to the dorms and that i was ready to go home. this is when brandon decided he didn't want me to go home. when he told me that i couldn't go home, i got out my cell phone and said "fine then, i'll call my aunt to come get me from here." brandon ripped the phone out of my hands, nearly snapping it in half in the process. he then preceeded to tell me that "i was not calling my aunt and that he would knock me out and throw me in the trunk if he had to. and that if kelsey wouldn't drive then he'd hold a knife to her throat until she did it." at this point, i'm really freaking out. and i started crying. i told kelsey again that i wanted to go home. and finally, she took me. as soon as we pulled up to the dorm i jumped out of the car and ran to the door, all i could hear in the background was brandon yelling "i love you" to me as i walked away. as soon as i got into the dorm, i fell to the ground. leaned against the door. tears streaming down my face. and all i can remember is wondering how i got myself into this mess.
the two following nights, i refused to see brandon. i told him i had other plans and stayed in my dorm room. i barely even took his phone calls. which i could tell was pushing him over the edge. he even threatened to kill himself one of those nights, and cut a huge gash in his arm. i can't lie.. there for a little while after the things he'd said and done to me there was a part of me that didn't know if i would care if he actually went through with it. the third night, i have a lot of homework due and a test to study for. i received a call phone brandon telling, not asking, me to come pick him up from a friends house because he had gotten really fucked up. when i told him i couldn't and wouldn't, shit hit the fan. the last call i got from brandon that night was a call telling me to call the cops because he was on his way. i did call the campus police and asked them to keep an eye on any suspicious people coming to the dorms. they obviously didn't do their job. about 40 minutes later, im sitting in my dorm in the dark.. waiting. when i head screaming at the other end of the hall, and i know immediately that he is here. all i could hear was him having a confrontation with someone else out in the hallway. that didn't stop him. nothing stops brandon. the next thing i noticed was that things got really quiet, too quiet almost. and i see the doorknob to my turn slowly turn. of course, it was locked- and deadbolted, thank god. or else a part of me thinks that he may have gotten in that night. when he realized he wasn't getting in, he began beating on the door and kicking it so hard that i thought it may come off the hinges. i slowly walked to the door and put my eye up to the peep hole. he honestly looked like he was ready to kill me. his eyes were so dark and evil that it sent a chill through my body. i slowly walked away and back to my bed where i sat and waited. i could hear brandon screaming "i'll fucking kill her!! i'll kill her!" and then kelsey saying "brandon, shes not home.. lets just leave". finally, they were gone. a while later kelsey called me saying that when brandon got home to his grandparents he had put a gun in his mouth and his mamaw had called the cops. it took three cops tazing him to put him down, and they took him to the mental instituation.
brandon's stay at the hospital was like a breath of fresh air for me. this was all happening in march. i thought to myself, if only brandon could just stay there atleast until i left to go home for summer maybe i would be safe. but, brandon was only there for two and a half weeks. and he was persistant in speaking to me even after he got out. i honestly started feeling like i had no way out. there was nothing i could do to get away from him anymore. i felt helpless. i finally agreed to dating brandon, afraid of what the consequences of not dating him way be. even at home brandon was completely in control of me. he told me i had to be home at a certain time, got mad when i hung out with my girlfriends, and accused me every single day of being with someone else. he even threatened to find my address on google and come to where i live a few hours away and find me. finally, i got up the nerve to leave him. finally. i was scared shitless, honestly. but i knew i had to do it. i officially haven't spoken to brandon for almost two weeks. i couldn't be happier. except for the fact that other parts of my life aren't going so wonderfully.
i never really wanted to get rid of daniel. i never imagined i wouldn't be able to fix things. i've tried to explain the situation of what was happening to him. but he just doesn't understand. i was afraid for my own life, and i couldn't depend on daniel to protect me because he wasn't at home. now, i want nothing more than to be with daniel. i realize how perfect things could have been with him, and still could be. the problem is, he's met someone else that he continues to tell me that he's happy with although he still talks to me practically every day and i feel like i know he still cares about me but maybe i hurt him to bad for him to actually admit it. i want to keep trying on a day to day basis to get him back, and to get through to him. but i've started to give up. you can only try so long before you start thinking yourself that you aren't worth having them back.
you know how sometimes you can make ONE choice in your life that changes everything after it? that's what i feel like i've done with daniel. and i'm left to deal with it because this time, it's MY fault. i'm the one who screwed up. and i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive myself.
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